Until recently, I have been a fully dedicated and orthodox member of the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints for all my life. I willingly followed every commandment and whole heartedly strived to accept every doctrine. When a doctrine didn’t make sense, I would try to make it make sense with ‘mental gymnastics’ or wait until more revelation would come to create order out of the chaos. From 2018 until 2024, I decided to deepen my study of the Book of Mormon which I believed to be a historical witness of Jesus Christ. I intently studied every single word. I amassed the largest list of symbols, names, and titles for Jesus within the Book of Mormon that exists on the internet with more than 1,000 entries. I also created over 100 posts for how a name, symbol, or title pointed back to Christ. As I earnestly sought to deepen my discipleship of Jesus, my journey gradually led me to expand my heart and widen my circle until it expanded beyond the boundaries of the LDS church. I no longer view the Book of Mormon as historical. I now view it as inspired fiction that contains grains of wisdom that I am grateful to carry with me. The Title Page has an escape clause that states that if there are mistakes within the book, they are the mistakes of men. The end of Nephi also states, “if ye believe not in these words believe in Christ.” [2 Ne 33:10]

While I have found many mistakes and some false doctrines in the Book of Mormon, I am grateful for the goodness I have gleaned from it. I take with me those grains of truth and eternal principles that are found within it on my journey, just as I take many other grains plucked from other works of inspired fiction. Truth, beauty, nobleness, hope, moral principles, inspiration to overcome trials, and stories that speak the heart into loving more brightly can be found in works of ancient and modern fiction. The Great Creator does not just create physically, but also creates worlds within our minds to inspire our spirits into divine transformation. There are many types of creation. Jesus spoke inspired fiction into being when he told parables and stories that cause souls to be stretched and expanded into greater love. The value of Jesus’ parables are not lessened because the stories he told did not actually occur in a historical sense.

When I was a child, I accepted the scriptures at face value as being historical texts. Genesis was a primitive history book. However, the more I’ve taken the text seriously, the more I’ve come to accept that it is a mixture of myth, parables, poetry, wisdom literature, legends constructed around historical figures, as well as oral histories passed down through time. How I use scriptural passages has changed and expanded rather than lessened. Reinterpretation of scripture can become a prophetic and revelatory act. New Testament authors reinterpreted and sometimes unknowingly used Greek mistranslations of the Hebrew Bible to transform ancient scripture into prophecies  of Christ. They saw things that weren’t really there in scriptures with the intent to do good.

My (perhaps overly generous) view is that Joseph Smith also created the story of the Book of Mormon in part as a misguided attempt to satisfy religious needs that existed in his day. He attempted to leverage the religious ideas in his day and make a place for native peoples and cultures within Christianity. He attempted to advance the state of Christianity by creating a restoration movement that was more inclusive. Ultimately, it was built on deception mixed with some grand ideas and good intentions. In the Book of Mormon, Nephi states that he [Nephi] likened the words of Isaiah so that his descendants [american native peoples] would know that they are also part of the house of Israel [1 Ne 19:23-24, 2 Ne 6:5] so that they may be pointed to Jesus.

Creative minds see patterns and make connections as part of the creative process. Joseph Smith was a very creative person who connected many dots to create religious narratives and teachings. “All things which have been given of God from the beginning of the world, unto man, are the typifying of him.” [2 Ne 11:4] Intelligent minds are also able to make connections and see patterns that are sometimes not really there. This was also my journey into the Book of Mormon as I fell into parallelomania connecting and stretching every verse back to Jesus even if it didn’t really belong. This is not dissimilar to some New Testament authors who sought parallels and ultimately reshaped passages in the Hebrew Bible so that they became prophecies of Christ. Joseph Smith was also keen to merge ideas and create parallels in his teachings.

Because of the lost 116 pages from the beginning passages of the Book of Mormon, Joseph Smith started the dictation that we currently have beginning in Mosiah, going through Moroni to the end of the Book of Mormon, and then circling back to finish his dictation by restating the first 3rd of the Book of Mormon. Because of this, there are multiple potential endings for the Book of Mormon where Joseph could have concluded his work. Multiple potential endings are found within 1st and 2nd Nephi, Jacob, Enos, Jarom, Omni, and finally the Words of Mormon. Some of his final words as he wrapped up his dictation found in the Words of Mormon include concepts that Joseph [speaking through Moroni] was pleased with his prophecies of Christ, that the book would be of value to integrating native peoples into Christianity that they may come to a knowledge of God and the redemption of Christ, and in so doing, he in prophetic fashion like the prophets he imagined, would establish peace in the land between native peoples and Christian settlers ultimately creating a united society.

How scriptures are interpreted and how we construct meaning from them makes all the difference. The radical work that Jesus performed included reinterpreting what the kingdom of God was envisioned to be. He flipped everything upside down where the first would be last and the last first. He recentered everything in love. His circle was larger than what his local religious leaders defined. His heart expanded to include the Samaritans, women, lepers, the ritualistically unclean, and those rejected by the community. His love could not be bounded. In like manner, as I strive to follow Christ, I find that the my eyes are opening. I see a little clearer what is real and what is imagined. My heart has expanded beyond the bounds of church patriarchy, misogyny, eternal polygamy, racism, xenophobia (which is a current new vice rampant in the church), homophobia, as well as many other types of phobias, artificial hierarchies, and leader worship that plague the church. I no longer try to justify the unjustifiable, make sense of the unsensible, and perform mental gymnastics to tie my heart in knots to accept false church teachings, questionable obedience to church leaders, and LDS hubris. The bounds of my morality are no longer limited by church leaders and church teachings. I have too many loved ones who have held on to racist, misogynistic, xenophobic, homophobic, and other growth limiting ideas only because of the false morality that was dictated to them by church leaders that they have been taught to put on a pedestal. I have so many good family and friends that would be less fearful and more loving if it were not for church teachings that limit the extent of their love. Older members who struggled to overcome racism because of internalized shackles that were given them by church teachings. Continuous us vs the world elitism. Leaders who permit and even promote religious nationalism within the church. For too long, I have also stunted the circle of my love based on the limits and ceiling dictated by my religious community.

I’m striving to actively follow Jesus which includes no longer being limited in my compassion, love, and curiosity for others. Fortunately, I never fell deep into Christain Nationalism. I have been in a gradual process of graduating Mormonism, orthodoxy, dogma, and spiritual hubris, to take my first steps outside their limiting sphere to become a greater disciple of Christ. While my LDS faith both served and limited me for the first half of my life, I feel as though I’ve finally grown beyond many aspects of it. I will continue to carry part of it with me. It is my origin story and pieces will remain with me. Like a hatched chick, I have broken through my shell. I do not seek to break the eggshells of anyone in my religious community. My inherited religious community provided structure for my spiritual development and I’ve seen the damage that can occur when others try to break the shells of members that are not emotionally and spiritually ready to break through on their own. People cannot be forced to love greater, because love is a choice. To forcefully break the false belief of a person is to also risk damaging their psyche and their intertwined identity risking nihilism and deep depression. Most people will cling to a false belief even when it is shown to them plainly that it is false because they’ve woven it into their identity. They may even double down against truth since faith that continues in spite of fact, is often viewed as a virtue rather than what it really is. Real faith is to accept truth and be willing to step into the unknown to embrace greater light despite the uncertainty of what that may bring. Real faith is to do the emotional and spiritual work to unravel false beliefs strand by strand, so that something better can emerge. Everyone holds onto some false beliefs, and I am amazed at how many are fearful of discovering what those false beliefs might be, because it risks ego and necessitates internal work and transformation. It is often easier to let it alone than do the exhaustive emotional and soul work to examine one’s own mind. Discovery, revelation, and inspiration are able to emerge after acknowledging that my vision is limited and I undoubtedly have some incorrect ideas. It is not easy to remove the beam in my eye.

Everyone must chose for themselves to let go and unlearn what they have learned if they are to see beyond their own horizon. Repentance is realignment with truth and divine light. Religious pride is an obstacle to growth. Someone who “knows” a thing is unable to learn something new that may contradict what they believe they already know. I am learning to unlearn. Jesus the Great Creator is still molding me from the dust. My creation is an ongoing process. Jesus is about growth and transformation. I leave the matter of my salvation and the salvation of others in his trusted hands. What I no longer accept within myself is to limit my love and my morality because of false church teachings and the normalized beliefs and behavior of the mainstream LDS community that excludes others. The true love of Christ chases away all fear. The charity of Christ endures all things. [Moroni 7:42-48] That is how I am breaking through.